So I see that my last post was in May. Well, much has transpired since then of course and I'm just too lazy to go there. However, I am making a concerted effort to be more timely in my postings. This time, though, something funny has happened. Where I was trying to keep family and friends informed of my life here, now it's a need for me to process my experiences, more like a journal of my observations about them. Still I am Alice Haxton which means that truly private thoughts remain in my handwritten journal but I am more willing to be more open about my views on what all of this (living/working/raising a family) is to me.

Now having said that, know that this is being written on a friend's notebook because my computer had to be sent to the service center. My battery died and because my friend had the wisdom to remind me that it should still be under warranty, I took it to get it replaced. Don't know if it's done like this in the US but had to submit my entire computer with the battery for them to verify that IT is the battery that's the culprit. Thus I am without a computer until 9/21. I may post again before then but don't want to impose on anyone. As some of you know, I returned to work yesterday and the girls went back to school. I was experiencing serious angst about this because my two ring circus was about to resume: work and parenting. Some serious self-talk has been going on along with meal planning and scheduling and running errands related to this major household event. In the midst of making the lunches for the girls the night before I heard my friend Dot say, "You have to be organized, Alice" in that managerial tone of hers. To top it off, while sharing this whole set of worries with another friend, she wrote back, "You can do it . . . organization is key." There it was. A truth that I knew but was fearful of being inconsistent in its implementation.

It has only been day 2 and I have been consistent in my organization, but who can't be consistent for two days? Yet there is a way to go to achieve the goals I have set for this year. (As a teacher, I don't look at years beginning in January. My year begins when school begins.) Part of my problem is trying to do it all PERFECTLY, an attitude I'm struggling to release practically everyday since I have returned. This is my self-talk: living my organized life may not fit the standard that I hold in my head but it may work. Somethings, (ha!) somedays may be great, some good, others just good enough. Still if three of my major objectives are met everyday, then it will be a good day. And what are my major objectives? Healthy and balanced meals (which means preparing meals with more thought and cooking has never been a passion of mine); working with mindfulness but then leaving it behind once I'm home; assisting M&I with their studies, and just being with them without outside thoughts constantly intruding; having family exercise time, and enjoying "me" time: time that is for prayer/meditation, reading, reflection.

As I re-read the last paragraph I take a deep breath. I will not and cannot end with a major pronouncement about where I know this is going to lead, because God knows I don't. I truly am learning to take it a day at a time, and in some cases, it's moment by moment. I guess that's what happens when one is out of her comfort zone. Or maybe, as I age and reflect on how I have been in the past, I am just too tired to continue in the same old patterns. I just don't have the energy anymore, either physically or spiritually. My body and spirit are requiring a new way of living. My friend, Kia, has a poster with a saying of the Buddha:

The secret of health for both mind and body is not to mourn for the past, worry about the future, or anticipate troubles, but to live in the present moment wisely and earnestly.

Buddha certainly knew my inner life because I surely act out the former. It is my struggle to attempt to live the latter.